What can I say that I haven't already said?
Well, For starters for me! I did my homework for history
for a change. All semester!
Never have i ever done all my homework for history!)
Secondly, I went to Nickelback last week
IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME,
i love them so much and sick puppies just
made my heart sing! Loved it!
Third, Gee, i almost ended a journal on a happy note.
I figured out what was/is causing my depression.
As some know, i chose to end something that
lasted for over a year.
Ok, not many people exactly like my decision,
but I needed to do it, for me.
And i get that whoever isn't/wasn't happy with it is saying,
well why are you so miserable when it's your choice, or whatever,
lemme just say that change is an incredibly scary thing for
human beings, it's confusing, and hard and nobody likes it!
Plus, hurting someone is the hardest thing i've ever really
had to do, and if that someone is reading this then
they should know that I am sorry for hurting them,
but not sorry for how it happened.
I don't regret our time together and will always remember it
but sometimes change is necessary and we are never given
something we cant deal with. (i kind of trailed off a bit there)
But, it sounds so corny, i've been depressed because of how much
i feel i have to give, and how much that i'm not getting back.
And the feelings that i've been holing in for a while, that
i've been trying so hard to ignore came back to bite me in the ass.
Ok, i don't exactly want them to go away, but at the moment they aren't really welcome when they can hurt people i care about.
I can control myself when i'm awake, but my asleep time is
MY ASLEEP TIME, not unwanted babble coming for my brain telling
me to "embrace my fucking emotions" -facepalm-
It just bought everything back, and everytime i go to sleep,
and wake up again, it hurts that my dreams weren't reality
and i'd have to go through another day, putting on my brave face,
so people don't have to ask me if i'm ok,
only to have me burst into tears in their arms,
no-one wants that.
And if i can't hold that face all day then eventually people
start asking, even though i know they don't really want to know
what's going on.
but they act like they do, so they keep on asking,
and then when i tell them, that i'm a horrible person who
deserves to be shot like a dog they tell me i'm not a
horrible person and they won't oblige.
So what's the point in telling them in the first place?
when really, the only person i really want to tell the truth to,
can't reciprocate and probably wouldn't want to.
And of the people i tell or have told, one, ONE,
made me feel good about hating myself (good thing btw)
and got me thinking, if i started to, say, not care about
who i'm hurting, in the process of getting what i want,
would i really be happy? cause if i tried ignoring how
others felt about a situation that could involve them
if they got themselves involved, or that couldn't bother
them at all, i don't think it would be me,
i honestly wish i could be like that though,
cause then i wouldnt give a rats if i hurt someone or helped them,
but doesn't that make me human, some people say it does.
But a stereotype of 'Human' is that we're all selfish bastards
who couldn't care less about the world around us.
So if i'm human then what are they?

Nikki xx